Log in

17 June 2015 @ 06:08 pm
It's a Wednesday night and I feel kind of weird because I've left work early the past two days. Work seems to be really slow. I feel like I'm probably screwing something major up, but I'm just kind of kind of hoping I'll wake up the next day with a miraculous proactive motivation that will help me feel accomplished or full of purpose. I got an internal promotion today as well, which is kind of contradictory to what I just wrote, but it's hard to explain. I feel live I've sunk into this functional depression. Kind of like what I had my senior year of undergrad, except this time I don't have the benefit of a rejection to blame it on. It's aimless. Like all my other bouts of depression, which for some reason I'm not equipped to handle. I'm doing well in my job. I have friends. I just feel empty.

I kind of want to get back into writing. But what will I write about? The gay man who is in love with a straight men and needs to learn self acceptance and self respect and stop pursuing an unreachable goal? Or should I write out the fantasy version where the straight man suddenly realizes that he can't live without the gay man and succumbs to him, mind, body, and soul and they live out the rest of their days in homosexual bliss? Part of me wants to write about the anguish, the pain, the longing, but it doesn't hurt that deeply anymore. It gives me a much wanted dilemma and gives me something to talk about.

What's the key to waking up in the morning? How do I find the appropriate way to fill my hours? Even the internet doesn't hold my attention for long because I've become too passive in it. I've accepted how miniscule an impact or an influence I can have in the millions of comments and words exchanged worldwide every minute. I fear no one will take me seriously and I find the bruteness of it all quite disheartening.

There was a time when I loved the internet. Every idea I had needed to be written down and put out there because there was a chance someone would read it and understand. The computer was my playground and I played around with my identity and explored new boundaries and transformed into a million different people. Now it's something I passively read and rarely participate in. I'd love to find a commmunity again. And make friends that push me to be better and do better.
28 March 2015 @ 11:41 am
So spring is upon us. Suddenly everything starts getting warmer, the sun is out longer, and I find more reasons to smile. It's been pretty great actually. The only issue is that work has gotten overwhelmingly time consuming, but I'm trying to overcome that. I've been told by my manager that I am the top performer for people of my tenure in my position and that I've got a lot of great things coming in my future. That makes me feel great. It makes me feel like I could get a really solid raise and start thinking about being at this company long term.

Now, on to what I really want to talk about. So starting at the beginning of this month, I was given a new office mate because my old office mate decided to take a solo office now that she had been promoted. This new office mate is male, my age, and all sorts of wonderful. He's extremely kind and very genuine. I haven't met someone like him in a very long time. On top of that, he's also really cute. He's been spending a lot of time with me and my mind has been given a lot of liberties to start imagining that something is going on that isn't really there. I can say with 99% confidence that he is exclusively interested in women and he is aware of my sexual orientation. I can only hope that if something does happen, that it happens soon because it sounds like he doesn't want to keep this job for anything longer than a year. He has slept on my couch three weekends in a row now. I'd give anything for him to sleep in my bed with me. There's a part of me that knows what if that wish is granted of me, I'm going to want even more, but for now, I'd like to say that that is the only wish I wanted granted--to get to hold him while we sleep and maybe steal a quick kiss or two on his neck.

Temptation is an awful thing. I'm a grown man. I should stop coveting things that I can not and will not ever have. I have been driving 35 miles total round trip every time I pick him up or drop him off at his place. That is how committed I am to having him around.

One day, I swear, I'll far for someone who will actually like me back.
Current Location: My Fortress of Solitude
Current Mood: dreamy
Current Music: "Rather Be" - Clean Bandit
06 March 2015 @ 12:31 pm
Well this week was an interesting one. While out in Philly for week, I got stranded and ended having to stay an extra night and full work day.

Naturally what I did was go out to Happy Hour with a co-worker and hit up a wine bar on the walk back to the hotel before going to one of my other co-workers suites and consuming some more and yet still waking up at 7:30am and start being productive. No negative side effects but I'm just now starting to get a small headache. I'm actually waiting in the lobby of the hotel right now and will be going out to lunch with the co-worker I went out with last night at some fancy restaurant in the area to try to bring some joy to this dreary situation.

So I wanted to drop some new fun feelings that warrant me making some post. I'm still in the process of deciphering whether or not these feelings are sincere or a machination of my subconscious mind to bring some kind of dilemma or turmoil in life that may give me purpose, because if there is something I know about myself other than the fact that I thirst for adoration, it is that the only times I have momentum in life are when I have an all-consuming issue in my hands in the form of a love that will never be. Suddenly music is so much more relatable and I'm filled with smal joys and bitter disappointments and my emotional landscape goes from a tri-color minimalist painting to a vibrant landscape. I tell myself that I will undergo positive change in an attempt to better my situation. Maybe that's been it all along--these straight men are purposefully placeholders that I assign because they perform the perfect role: they exhibit characteristics that allow me to hold on to hope (even though deep down I've already accepted the impossibility of the situation) so that I may have a reason to progress in life because I lack the self-love to do anything positive with exclusively myself in mind. That being said--I'm starting to get feelings for a straight co-worker who just happened to be saying all the right things in my vicinity last night. More details to come.
01 March 2015 @ 04:29 pm
Well, I woke up and haven't done much of anything today. I just started downloading computer games in a half-assed intention to play a bit. I want so badly to be engrossed in something, but I can't seem to get interested in much of anything right now. I've tried picking up my Kindle about 2 or 3 times today and have only gotten through 2 or 3 pages at a time of the book "Lolita". It's okay, I prefer to spend my time on planes reading anyway.

I'm tempted to go to Dunkin Donuts, get an iced coffee and then mindlessly sink into some more Scandal. It's funny how excited I was about "House of Cards" season 3 coming out, but I haven't gotten myself to watch more than the first episode. I think I've had enough of TV. I kind of just want friends to hang out with. I've been really bad about making friends here in Madison. I could go to the gym, but the soreness in my mouth comes and goes and I don't want to fuck up my recovery (there's something about knowing I have stitches in my gums that makes me hesitant to do anything strenuous. 
Current Location: My Fortress of Solitude
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: "Preach" - Drake
01 March 2015 @ 08:46 am
So I got my wisdom teeth taken out two days ago, which was a pretty quick and tolerable experience. I seriously have no idea why it took me so long to get it done. Being blessed with the wonderful health and dental insurance I have now, I figured it was time to do some big boy things. What was really funny though was that when the oral surgeon came into the room to introduce himself, I was like "Oh boy, you are very good looking", and since I went with the IV sedation option, I was kind of afraid I'd say something really dumb like the girl in this YouTube video. Luckily I was informed afterwards that I was very well behaved, which was great, and literally 2 hours after walking into the surgeon's office, I was at Walgreens picking up a couple of prescriptions and very shortly afterwards eating ice cream on my couch and binge watching Scandal.

You'd also be surprised at how much I got done yesterday. I woke up at 4 am after having been knocked out by my pain meds at like 8pm on Friday, and got up, cleared out my closet of clothes that I don't wear/don't fit me, cleaned up the apartment, and then went shopping for some ingredients to make homemade Cream of Chicken soup as well as toilettries for my work travel. Oh, and in an effort to take the elegance of my bedroom up a notch, I bought one of those multiple canvas paintings:

It's a picture from Venice, which I thought was fitting because one of my best friend's from college and I are currently planning a trip to Italy for the fall. I've never been and it's always been a dream. I honestly can't even remember completely why it's always been a dream. My first love was Italian. I took a year of Italian language my freshman year of high school. My mom has been working for an Italian couple for the last 12 years. When I first got diagnosed with high cholesterol, my diet consisted mostly of pasta and salad. Reading Dan Brown's "Inferno" just made me want to visit Florence. I've always loved Greco-Roman history. The list goes on and on.

Anyway, I'm also planning on making the amazing purchase of this really nice canvas painting from IKEA to hang over my bed. I know, I know, IKEA art isn't REAL art, but I'm also not loaded, and I just want my room to have a bit more of a hint of elegance.

In about 2 and a half hours, I have an appointment with my optometrist to make sure that my contacts fit me right before I can place an order for more, which is great because I waited way too long to get a check-up and I ended up wearing my last pair of contacts for about 4 months (they were supposed to be disposed of after 2 weeks). I was told that I had left some scars on my cornea, which really blows, but hey, being a grown-up is a work in progress for me!

Fun things that I've realized this weekend:

I'm about to go on business travel every single week for the next 7 weeks. I'll be in Philly, then Arlington Heights, then Philly, Philly, Boston, Philly, Philly. It's going to be a stressful two months, but you know what? It'll be an adventure. I really have to think about how I can stay/eat healthy during those days. I bought resistance bands that I put in my travel bag, so I need to look up some good resistance band workouts to do from my hotel room. I also really want to buy some almonds and fruit to keep on me at all times, but I don't think they'll fit in my briefcase. Just gotta learn to be smart. I'm also really excited about all the Marriott and Delta points I'm going to rack up. I'll hopefully be bumping up to some new status pretty soon.

Next not-so-fun thing from this weekend: my roommates seriously take no pride in the condition of our apartment. I got up early yesterday and did a thorough cleaning of our apartment and last night they cook dinner and just left everything in the kitchen sink. I'm not their mother. I seriously don't understand why they take no concern in the appearance of the apartment. First of all, I pay a 3rd of their rent and I'm not here more than 50% of the time, so they're getting a pretty sweet deal. You'd think they'd try to take better care of such an elegant and modern apartment. I'm moving in with another co-worker in July/August and I just saw openings in this very same apartment complex at a reasonable price when my lease ends. She said she'd be willing to just sign-up for one, so hopefully I get confirmation from her soon so we can jump on this. I look forward to us having a gorgeously, well kept apartment.

Until next time,
Current Location: My Fortress of Solitude
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: "Crazy in Love" - Beyonce [From the 50 Shades of Grey Soundtrack]
19 February 2014 @ 11:29 am
So I woke up with back pains today, which has been bugging me pretty much all morning. It's cool though, it'll go away soon I hope. Maybe I should stop sleeping with like 9 pillows behind me-it makes me sleep in weird positions. I've gotta admit though, sleeping in my new huge room is fantastic.

So far it's been a good day. I woke up, had my coffee and answered my e-mails while listening to music. I was able to work out for the first time in my new room today and realized just how much space I had (I'm still not 100% sure whether my workout aggravated my back or not, but eh...). I felt like I can finally start getting the full benefit out of my Rockin' Body workouts again. It's sad because I blew up in weight since last semester and I haven't quite been able to come down from it yet. I just want all my clothes to fit me and I want to be able to have the confidence to go out whenever I want. I'd also ideally like to look my best by graduation, and if I manage to score this job

I just finished watching a movie called Priest too. It was surprisingly good It was a little old, but I really enjoyed the theme of Catholicism and certain hypocrisies and how that ties in with homosexuality. I'm gonna call my parents later and recommend it.

I've been desperately checking my bank balance every ten minutes. I appealed my financial aid and I have a really good refund coming in. I'm going to save a majority of it, especially considering the fact that I'm also working like 15 hours a week, but I really want to buy a PS4 and I just want to be able to order it. I still don't know what game to order with it (first world problems...). Thief sounds like a good game, but it doesn't come out until next week. I might just hold out and wait for it. I can't wait to play all the new Final Fantasy releases too. And don't get me started on Kingdom Hearts III.
Current Music: Too Much - Drake
23 June 2010 @ 11:35 pm
 Okay, so it's been quite awhile since I've written in this thing. I love how this used to be where I'd come to complain because none of my friends had LiveJournals and I guess I just wanted somewhere to write my thoughts where no one would really read them but me and occasional strangers.

This whole journal needs some updating. I'll come around to it soon enough. I'm back because my friend started posting her written works on here and she wanted me to check them out. Who knows, she might even inspire me to get back into writing again.
Current Location: My Attic
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Futile Road - Jamestown Story
07 February 2010 @ 05:30 pm

I don't want to go back honestly. The only reason I'm posting here is because I don't really feel like stooping to the level of a lot of the people I know who make all their problems public on Facebook. I don't want attention or pity. I want understanding. Again, my hormones are on a rampage and I feel the chemical adrenaline of love. And again my emotions run rampant for a boy who will never want me back. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he's cared about me more than any other guy I know. Just the other day I feel asleep with my head on his shoulder as he played video games. While I was drifting off, I could purposefully feel him rest his head on mine and I just felt so at peace. I'm going to graduate in a couple of months and I'm going to lose him. I know I am. Because like all the men of my past, he will always put women before me.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: Romantic
28 July 2009 @ 09:54 pm
So again, I haven't written in this thing for ages, and I always come back and decide to write, promising myself I'd get into the habit of posting more frequently. Well, I think I've come to understand I probably won't write in this every often. Sometimes it's just a good place to come to and write everything that's on my mind. A cleansing of thoughts, I guess.

Well, since coming home this summer I've read the entire Twilight saga, to say I'm slightly disappointed. Not to say that it's bad literature, it's just definitely not for me. I'm thinking about starting to read Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights. My friend lent it to me, so I'm going to read some "classic" literature and hopefully enjoy myself, seeing as how my only English classes this upcoming year are Gender Studies and Modern Theater.

Also, what's weird is that I'm about to be a senior. Finally, me, a senior in high school. Whenever I talk to anyone, I give them the whole enthusiastic "We're going to be seniors!" response when they bring up school, but I don't think I'm even that excited. I'm not even feeling sad that it's almost over or totally ecstatic because college is only that much closer. It's weird how, being as emotional of a person as I am, I'm being so calluous right now. I bet the year will probably be a bigger blow to my face.

I've started studying for my ACT retake and my SAT II Subject Tests, and I'm kind of pumped. I swear, if I get into MIT, I think I might be one of the happiest high school graduates in the United States. I've come to realize now that going away from home is probably my best option at this point, and I'd love to start anew in a new state.

I've been talking to a guy I met on a free online dating website. I hope we get to meet soon. I could really use some company at this point in my life. High school's been kind of lonely.

I guess I really don't have much to say. Maybe some other time. :]

22 February 2009 @ 01:25 am
So I'm sitting in a room with two friends. They're just having another regular evening, but I feel different. I guess I really don't know why I'm feeling why I am or why I'm doing what I'm doing. Earlier I found myself quiet as possible, but faking the smiles to make sure no one asked me 'What was wrong?" Because I honestly have no answer.

Today should have honestly made me feel like the world was perfect. None of our friends are fighting. I'm not on bad terms with anyone or anything and I should feel like a million bucks. I mean, all of our friends were sitting together in the commons, and they were just having a good time, and instead of being happy that all of us were together, I got really depressed. I know people have these random bouts of sadness, and I think I got one, but being the crazy overanalyst guy I am, I keep trying to pin a reason to it.

Maybe it's because everyone has someone. And I don't mean that in the "everyone's dating one another" kind of way. I just don't feel like I have my pair in the group. My friend David's got his girlfriend. Wes has gotten really close to Jess, Nick, and Sam, so whenever they're around one another I feel like I need to back off a bit. Am I jealous? Maybe. Or maybe I'm just lonely. I don't feel complete. I just kind of want that feeling when I'm someone that I'm the most important thing to them and they're the most important thing to me and no one can come between us.

I miss feeling wanted. That feeling you get when you get regular messages from someone and you feel like you matter. Sure, I have some people who do that, but I mean, when you share the feeling. When two people just click. The kind of relationship you have with someone when you feel like you want to spend every waking second together even though you know you shouldn't because you'll get sick of one another too soon. Or you know the kind of friendship you share with someone when you can just hold one another at night or sleep in the same bed.

I'm so needy. This is problematic.